im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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