Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I love having hate sex.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
