If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i dont even know how to be here
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
