a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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