everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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