we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
