if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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