hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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