I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
