these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
