farters have to be the big spoon...
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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