i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
