good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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