you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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