Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
