My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
