yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
