oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
