Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
