the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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