Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
