This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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