I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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