How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wish there were birth control emojis
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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