I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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