I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have fence marks all over my body
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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