Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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