Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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