Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
