If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
