ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
