is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
