I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
