We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
