he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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