"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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