How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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