I want to walk on stilts...naked
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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