when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
