just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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