he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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