Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
