hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
