I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
