Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Couch. On fire.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
