Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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