When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
