I just pynch a tree in the face
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
