I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
