i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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