I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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