hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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