fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
